my new favorite word...

...is sarchasm. it is defined as the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

apparently the washington post's mensa invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. here's what those geniuses came up with:

1. cashtration (n.): the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an a-hole.
3. intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. bozone (n.): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.
7. giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. hipatitis: terminal coolness.
11. osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit.)
12. karmageddon: it's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. decafalon (n.): the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. glibido: all talk and no action.
15. dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. arachnoleptic fit (n.): the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. beelzebug (n.): satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. caterpallor (n.): the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

i also like 3, 10, 11, 14 and 18. what's your favorite?

ga-ross

that's right. we're gross. we all got some sort of intestinal parasite (stupid viruses) and are slowly on the mend. we're not sure if ella ever got it, although she has experienced sporadic vomiting. her mother on the other hand- the queen of vomiting- ended up in the ER on IV fluids and some anti-nausea medication. john, with his cast iron stomach, managed to squeak by with only a day of "light" vomiting and little josiah has gotten by without incident...so far. please Lord, let him stay healthy!

it's been a real hoot. i sure do love tossing my cookies.

thankfully, john's mom came down and watched the kids while i entertained myself seeing how much weight i could lose via dehydration. then she sat here until two in the morning with the kids while john and i sat in the ER. poor girl, i hope she doesn't catch it either!

it's funny because everyone that finds out i was sick asks "are you pregnant?"

i'll tell you what a day of raucous vomiting does...makes me soooo glad i got the tubes tied! as i was lying there on the gurney i just kept thinking 'oh please not another pregnancy' and just so you know...i'm not pregnant.

weeeee.....

we made a very exciting discovery the other day while driving past the elementary school where ella will be attending kindergarten...we have a neighborhood park only 0.5 miles from the house.

last weekend (or so) john and i walked the kids down there to play, and josiah rode his first swing. if you listen closely, you can hear him giggle.

the kids also rode a slide, but the video of that isn't as exciting. we did get some cute pictures of that though, darn my kids are good looking!

afterward we walked over to the neighborhood pub and threw back a couple. we let ella entertain herself with the camera- she's getting pretty good at taking photos.

insert title here

john left for six days this morning.

that's a cake walk comparatively so it almost doesn't deserve blogging. but i'm not so much blogging about his being gone, or how lonely i am or busy i am or anything like that. i'm blogging about it because something occurred to me last night when i got home from dropping him at the boat.

when we say goodbye it's like i take a big breath and then hold it as long as i can. when i inevitably exhale, there's a funny, unpleasant smell in the air. pretty soon my brain gets tired of being reminded of this funny, unpleasant smell and it ignores my nose- but the smell is still there. i smell it, ella smells it and i think even josiah smells it a little. when john comes home, no matter how long he's gone, that funny, unpleasant smell disappears and all of a sudden i'm reminded of what clean air smells like.

the sad thing is that what i really need to do is not hold my breath at all- just breath it in and get myself used to the smell so that i can carry on without constantly thinking 'what is that smell?' that way i function quite normally throughout the day and am only reminded when i crawl into bed by myself that something isn't quite right.

how that for a heavy post on a monday morning?

well, i'm off to the gym...maybe i can lose a pound before he gets back!!!

it's beginning to look a lot (less) like christmas

well, the holidays have come and gone. i know this because i finally took down my christmas tree and various ornamentations and packed up the cd's full of christmas music. i always hate looking at our home after the decorations are gone and the music's stopped- it seems so boring, cold and lonely without all those festive holiday reminders.

we had a great christmas at The Castle this year with all sorts of DiBernardo relations decending upon the little town of Temecula. uncle louie even dressed up like santa claus. we've been trying to explain to ella, gently, that there is no such thing as santa claus. this is harder than you'd think, because every time she sees someone dressed as santa she tells me that he IS real and that she just saw him. so, i thought it was going to set us back that not only did she SEE santa, but he brought her presents and she got to sit on his lap. well, ella's a pretty savvy girl because when she told me that she'd seen santa she said, 'and isn't that funny, because it was really just my uncle louie dressed up. he's so cute." so, i guess she's getting it. and she's right, her uncle louie is cute!

the holidays were so much fun.

even more fun is the fact that we aren't preparing to say goodbye to john for eight months like we did last year, and we'll do a year from now. and i'm not hooked up to an IV right now because pregnancy gives me "hyperemesis gravidarum" a.k.a. puking so much you can't stay hydrated or nourished. ah, the good old days.

2007 was a good year- we have a new little man in our house who has completed our family (yes, that's right...mommy got her tubes tied). 2007 was also a tough year- yucky pregnancy, john missing 8 months of it and all sorts of other things. it's promising to know that all of these things are sanctifying us and not just a random series of unfortunate events. if that were the case, i wouldn't be able to stand it.

in 2008 i would like to figure out a way to get a play station and DDR (that's dance dance revolution for you non-DDR nerds). i'd also like to figure out a way of balancing husband, kids, work, bible study and working out.

any suggestions?

springfield, here i come

so cool. i was wandering around "the web" this morning and i found a website that allows you to "simpsonize" yourself.

and if i do say so myself, i make a great simpson character.

his biggest fan

awww...

isn't He wonderful!

ella took part in the koala class Christmas Production yesterday. really, i shouldn't have used capital letters, because it was a very low-key little number done during chapel time. it was cute though- with mrs. dutton narrating and the kids in their turn replying to her narrative 'isn't He wonderful!'
ella was a shepard, which she wasn't particularly thrilled about initially. she had been out sick for the week prior and all the "good" parts (read: mary) were taken.
when we showed up, the kids were getting into their costumes, so i stuck around to take a couple of shots. seen here is our shepard, surrounded by her two beaus- adam p. (shepard number two) and marcus (king number one). notice possible beau number three looking over her shoulder. and have you ever seen a cuter, more feminine shepard???

once the kids were dressed, josiah and i headed over to the sanctuary to wait for the grand entrance. he entertained himself by...what else...sucking on his fingers.

and...action.

and of course, cast & crew at curtain call...

say cheese

josiah's first photo shoot. he's totally cute and i could hardly pick these two from among all the beautiful head shots...

behind the scenes...

a slideshow, for your viewing enjoyment, of me taking a picture of the kids...

and after all that, we didn't even have a picture worth looking at.

make-up is for girls

ella has recently started taking a real interest in make-up and all things girlie. to any of you out there that know me, this is probably mind-bottling (a la will ferrell)- i can count on one hand the number of times i've actually applied a face full of make-up.

not that i think i'm above it, i'm just not good at it.

but i digress...

ella found this lovely shade in my make-up bucket- it hails from a jackie kennedy costume i wore in the mid 90's. apparently lipstick has the half life of a twinkie, because when she applied it to my lips it was just as velvety smooth as i remembered. she also recently found the slightly more obnoxious shade that i wore to the white trash party and applied it before church. nice.

lipstick seems to be a recurrent theme in our mother-daughter relationship. the fault is mostly mine. i started it all off at her last birthday party when i inadvertently purchased disney princess lip gloss-locket party favors, only to discover that the lip gloss was really the shade of psychedelic purple kool-aid- a color it maintains on the skin. i bet all the moms can't wait for ella's next party so that they can wrestle more whorish party favors out of their sobbing daughter's hands post-party.

ah, motherhood.

p.s. i am not that tan- i think it's the fact that the lipstick has sucked all of the light out from around my lips like a black hole...

man, i look good in a hat.

this is the adorable outfit from aunt marianne & uncle mark. we love it.

sling-o-rama

this post is intended solely to make all you mamas that aren't near me wish that you were.

come to san diego...the weather is lovely.

a more "worldly" post

john and i went to his squadron christmas party on thursday. it was held at the marriott in mission valley.

riddle me this...why do there even exist establishments that serve alcohol without coca cola products? you might be wondering why i care...could i possibly prefer the taste of coke to pepsi so much that it really matters. well, the answer is no- not normally.

however, when i'm going to mix alcohol (read: jack daniels) and a "cola" together i do NOT want that cola to be pepsi.

have you ever heard anyone order a jack & pepsi? or a rum & pepsi? or a jim beam & pepsi??? i'm sure that the answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO. why, because it's gross...nay unnatural, to order something like that. people the world over agree that coke (and perhaps, just maybe diet coke) is the superior mixer. there isn't even any room for discussion. the mere thought of the taste of a jack & pepsi (and yes, i've had it) makes my lips pucker and initiates the gag reflex.

and how did we happen upon this horrible truth? my sweet, sweet husband ordered me a "jack & coke" from the bartender and, horror of horrors, watched him start to pour PEPSI into the glass on top of the jack. thankfully i wasn't there, or i probably would have let out a blood-curdling shriek. john, very calmly, asked whether the man was indeed using pepsi though he'd asked specifically for coke. the man affirmed. john, thoughtfully, changed my order to a cranberry juice & vodka. funny...he didn't try to sub apple juice?!?

and oh yeah...it was fun.

nuf said

if a picture speaks a thousand words, then i guess there's no need to say anything when you post a video. except for this: my son is totally cute.

the other good news of christmas

lots of you know that john's mom, sandra, has been battling metastatic breast cancer for the last year. she was diagnosed and started treatment in april or so and had to change/stop chemotherapy a little over half way through the process because the chemo started to be a bigger problem for her than the cancer. she was exhausted (and i don't mean that lightly) and started losing feeling in her fingers and toes- so blaine, the nurse practitioner, called a temporary stop to the treatment. needless to say, it was frightening to think of all of those beastly little cancer cells running unchecked through sandra's body and we were all nervous (though none of us would admit that to anyone else) to see what the outcome of that interruption to treatment would bring.

well, what happened was in a word...miraculous.

sandra has not had ANY chemo in almost 3 months and her tumor marker levels have continued to drop EVEN more (that's a good thing, it indicates that the tumors themselves are shrinking). we were overjoyed to know that she's OK- although we know she's been in Good Hands the whole time. it's also wonderful to know that she won't have to start chemo (and the unbelievable fatigue and poor health that causes) over the holidays. what's more, her NP says that if her PET scan still looks good in january- she won't have any chemo scheduled now at all. they'll just be monitoring her bloodwork and keeping chemo "in the arsenal" for later use.

thank you, all of you who have so faithfully prayed for sandra throughout all of this. we truly appreciate it!

i love eating

josiah ate his first non-mommy-made meal yesterday...some rice cereal. he wasn't very impressed with it, so i made the mistake of thinking he wasn't ready for food.

i was wrong.

today he ate apples. he LOVED them. tonight he ate sweet potatoes. LOVED those too. i think we've got an eater on our hands. don't tell anyone that i introduced two foods on one day...if i remember correctly, you're not technically supposed to do that.

it was pretty cool, and i'm pretty excited that daddy can take over some of the feeding duties.

the one the mice made

that's right folks...for two years running, ella chose to be cinderella for halloween. this year though, she stipulated the outfit. you guessed it, "the one the mice made." for those of you who haven't watched disney's cinderella lately, try and remember back...

cinderella climbs the many stairs to her castle tower after a grueling day of slave labor, sad as sad can be because her evil stepmother has ruined her chances of making a dress to wear to the ball. imagine her surprise when she opens the door to her tiny bedroom and there they are- her woodland friends- with a gorgeous dress for her to wear. that's the dress that ella wanted. so that's the dress that mommy made. sans pattern.

i think i'm pretty impressive (although i did have a generic dress pattern, to be honest, just not a pattern to tell me how on earth to make this particular dress that those disney geniuses drew NEVER to be replicated in the real world). i worked entirely from a photo i found on the internet. john thinks i should have added a hoop skirt. i didn't appreciate his input (i was 18 hours or so into the dress, after much use of the seam ripper). i think john's pretty impressive too, as he only grumbled a few times about the pink ribbons and material strewn all over our kitchen table.

she looked cute.

oh, and so did her brother. i like to call his costume "baby tiger."

she really liked her costume. her brother wasn't so sure.

the new me

Yes, that's right. With a new baby, a husband recently home from cruising the Persian Gulf and a daughter with no end to her antics...I chose to write our first post about me. I cut my hair. For those of you who haven't seen me in a while, it was long. And when I say long, I mean down-to-the-fanny long. I cut 16 inches off and donated it to an organization called "Locks for Love" which makes wigs for children who, for medical reasons, have no hair. Lest you start to think that I'm a wonderful person, maybe my motivation was getting to tell you all how nice I am.

And it doesn't hurt to have tons (almost literally) less hair to deal with. I actually want to go in and get a little more chopped off.

The rest of the Wagners are fine. The boy is gigantic, the girl is precocious and their daddy is entering the FRS (training squadron for you non-military types) again to learn the new Sierra model of the MH-60 Knighthawk.